


The Watch

by aurotica



Category: Penny Arcade
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dark Comedy, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 18:20:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15954902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurotica/pseuds/aurotica
Summary: The OG (read: mostly forgotten) Penny Arcade squad embark on a nightlong hunt for the watch!





	The Watch

**Author's Note:**

> The watch is a solid gold, Pac-Man themed timepiece that Gabe and Tycho have been ruthlessly scrapping for since the early days of Penny Arcade. This story was initially completed in 2016 after I got inspired from PA holding a “battle for the watch” event which was tied to the release of the video game Overwatch. I didn't like how it initially came out, so I abandoned it in my cloud storage for two years until I randomly decided to come back to it one day in 2018, modify much of its content, and finally post it online for all to CRINGE. This also takes place in an AU where PA is a public access show instead of a webcomic because Wayne's World, duh!
> 
> I've used characters who are sadly no longer familiar to the average PA reader nowadays, so here they all are in this sloppily edited yet conveniently labeled photo: https://i.imgur.com/8n7jUHCg.png

A glowing band of the bright crescent moon slips through the window and generously spills itself into the basement and over Gabe, handcuffed to the spine of a swivel chair and in a deep sleep, snoring and drooling a personal waterfall from his agape mouth to his spread eagle crotch.

Tycho smoothly strides into the room, wearing head-to-toe black and a ninja mask. He approaches Gabe, sneering at his crude style of slumber. He yells, "Rise your spine, swine!"

Gabe promptly awakens. "Ah!" He glances down to see handcuffs affixed. He queries confusingly, "Tycho? Why am I like this?" He examines Tycho’s unusual attire. “And what’s with the ski mask?”

"It’s a ninja mask, you imbecile!" Tycho slaps Gabe. "You're in this restrained state because I know you have..." He sinisterly inches closer to Gabe's face at eye level and susurrates, "...the watch." 

"What? Me? No! We lost the watch yesterday! Completely! Remember?"

"It may have mysteriously vanished from our grip yesterday at our pool party, but how can I be positive that you didn't somehow snatch it by use of a cleverly disguised accomplice or complex apparatus?"

"No, no, no!" Gabe barks. "The watch had flung into the air and went _somewhere,_ right before I headlocked you underwater for about twenty seconds! How could I have grabbed it when we were both underwater?"

"Hm. Anything else?"

"Div was closest to us in the pool. He was floating on the noodle while we were fighting, and once we came back up from the water he was gone." A lightbulb flashes over Gabe's head. “That's it! Div has the watch!” He bounces up and down excitedly on the chair. “Case closed! Mission accomplished! The end!” 

Tycho snickers tauntingly. “Gabriel, you simpleton. Cases like these never end after just one single accusation. We must persist toiling, even if it takes us all night.”

“So you’re asking me to play detective with you?” Gabe rolls his eyes. 

“This isn't for play; it's for real. Let’s go.” Tycho retrieves the key from on top of a drawer and unlocks the handcuffs. They exit the basement and search for Div. Div is watching TV in the living room and drinking beer. They step in front of the television and block Div's view.

Div demands, "Get outta my way, you knobs! And Tycho, why are you wearing a ski mask? Are you drunkenly trying to hack into my ‘encephalon’ again?"

Tycho hisses, "It’s not a ski mask, it’s a ninja mask!" He slaps Div. "Also, you shall from now on only address me by my secret agent alias, Captain Sensual."

Div snickers, "Captain Sensual?" Gabe laughs as well, as he hadn't heard the moniker either. 

"I, Captain Sensual," Tycho announces gracefully, "am currently on a mission to search for the watch, which had suddenly disappeared yesterday at our pool party. Based on the information Gabriel here had recently given me, we are suspecting the watch is in your possession."

Div groans, "I ain't got that damn watch! I don’t even care about it! What did Gabe say, anyway?"

Tycho narrows his eyes at Gabe. “Gabriel? Speak.”

Gabe glances back at Tycho anxiously, and then maintains his gaze downwards. “Well, Div... I thought that you had the watch because yesterday when Tycho and I were fighting for it, and we went underwater and lost it, you might have taken it because you were the closest to us.”

“Yeah, that ain't true,” Div clips. “I saw the watch shoot up like a hundred feet in the air. You know what? Maybe Tails got it!”

Gabe lights up. “Seriously? Go on!”

“Tails was chilling in the trees, and he probably caught it once he saw it in the air!”

“That sounds legitimate.” Tycho agrees. “Let us search for Tails, now.”

“Us three?” Div laughs. “When Hell freezes over! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some lesbo tits to ogle.” 

Tycho yanks the cable box from all the wires it was connected to and throws it at the wall. Gabe and Div stare flabbergasted. “Your show's been cancelled indefinitely.”

Gabe cries, “But... that was _our_ television, too!“

Tycho commands, “I want silence! Let's go!”

Div wistfully stares at the ravaged cable box, frantically takes a swig of his beer due to the stress, and then follows Gabe and Tycho. They find Tails at the jacuzzi with a hooker, listening to loud music and smoking a joint.

“What is the meaning of all this?” Tycho angrily marches towards the jacuzzi.

“Yeah,” Div chimes in. “You stole my girlfriend!” 

“Pfft,” Tails jeers. “She’s _everyone’s_ girlfriend.” He then notices at Tycho’s peculiar choice of headwear. “Uh, what’s with the ski mask?”

“For the last time, it's a ninja mask!” Tycho slaps Tails. 

“What's it to you?” Tails narrows his eyes at Tycho. 

“Allow me to make a more formal introduction. You may know me as Tycho Brahe, but for this special mission, you shall only address me by my secret agent alias, Captain Sensual. What is this special mission, you may ask? We are searching for the watch, which I previously thought Gabe or Div had, but now as more information unearths, you are our next suspect.” He gestures at Gabe. “Well? Speak.”

"What? I'm the information man, now?" Gabe then gets sarcastic. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I'm 'working' for a major dick who--" Tycho slaps him.

"Sorry," Gabe apologizes gravely. "So yesterday, we had that big ass pool party, and then the watch disappears from Tycho and I after we were fighting in the pool. We first thought Div was the culprit because he was right next to us in the pool, but then he said that you might have it because Div said he saw the watch ricochet into the air, thus concluding that you could have caught it because you were chilling in the trees."

"Yeah, that totally didn't happen," Tails corrects. "The watch didn't shoot up into the air. It shot _sideways,_ and I could've sworn I saw it hit Charles when he was at the table chilling with those other guys. Something came really fast in his direction and completely knocked him out of his chair. Must've been the watch." 

" _Charles?_ " Tycho gets irate at the mere mentioning of his rival's name. "I thought we permanently banned him from coming back here after he thought it would be a _brilliant_ idea to hijack Penny Arcade with gay porn footage, which nearly got us cancelled! How did he get in our house?"

"About that," Gabe nervously looks around and bites his lip. "Charles might have bribed me with... a $100 iTunes gift card and... a handjob." He churns out a lengthy sigh, disappointed in himself. "I'm so sorry."

"Traitor!" Tycho slaps Gabe. "Now it's that wretched Apple fanboy's turn. To Charles' house, we go! All four of us!"

Tails shouts, "Four? Ain't no way I'm gonna be a part of this! I don’t give two shits about some stupid watch!" 

"Oh, really?" Tycho is challenged. "Watch me go."

Tycho goes over to the shed which was beside the jacuzzi and grabs a hammer that was inside and then storms right out as he proceeds to destroy the jacuzzi filter by smashing it repeatedly. Tails and the blonde jump out in fear, with the latter running away. 

Tails shouts, "That was _your_ jacuzzi, too!"

"I don't give a fuck," Tycho drops the hammer right into the jacuzzi water. "We're going to Charles' house, and that is that. I also want everyone silent the whole way through." 

They walk to the apartment complex wherein Charles resides, which is only a block away.

"You sure are persistent, Captain Sensual," Gabe notes. "But don't you know that Charles has gotta be asleep by now like any good person would?"

"Not even when division by zero becomes possible will I ever consider someone like _Charles_ to be a good person,” Tycho mocks. “Follow me, cohorts!”

Tycho leads them to the outside of Charles’ apartment from where his bedroom window is, which has been left wide open.

"He leaves his window open when he's sleeping?" Gabe asks. "Damn, he really is a creep. Reason #452 to hate Charles."

“That only makes it easier to wake him up in the most unforgettable way possible.” Tycho pulls out an air horn from his pocket.

"Captain Sensual," Gabe clenches his hands onto Tycho's shoulders, saying firmly, "It's three in the morning! We can't use an air horn!"

Tycho rolls his eyes. "And? I'd rather get a citation for disturbing the peace than have my peace of mind forever disturbed by not having the watch." 

Tycho sounds the air horn, which immediately wakes up Charles. “What’s that!” he rapidly shoots up from his bed.

"Let's go!" Tycho effortlessly twirls into Charles' window, reminiscent of an actual ninja. Then Tails enters doing several flips in the air.

"How did he do that?" Div is shocked at Tycho. 

"Come with me, Div!" Gabe picks Div up as they clumsily tumble into the window and crash into the wall of Charles' room.

Charles is fuming as he throws the air horn at his wall, breaking it into pieces. "You guys have tons of explaining to do! And what's with the ninja mask, Tycho?" 

Tycho repeatedly slaps Charles, but Gabe interjects, "No! Charles got it right. He called it a ninja mask. You don't have to keep slapping him."

"That was for the iTunes gift card, the handjob _and_ for calling me Tycho! I have temporarily changed my name to," Tycho sways his hands and fingers in an elegant motion. "Captain Sensual for this mission."

Charles scowls, "What mission?" 

Tycho sighs. "Don't act like you don't know the only other important mission we'd embark on than playing video games to broadcast across town and getting paid loads of money for it. We're looking for the watch."

Charles groans, "The watch? You woke me up at three-thirty in the morning to look for the fucking watch?" 

"Allow the Information Man to explain." Tycho gestures to Gabe.

Gabe whines, "Why do you get to have a phat nickname like Captain Sensual, but I'm stuck with something boring like Information Man? Can't I at least be called something like Lieutenant Lustful?"

“I commanded you to explain, not complain!” Tycho raises his voice.

"Sorry, Captain Sensual," Gabe whimpers. "So, you were at the big ass pool party we had yesterday, and then Tycho and I broke out into a fight after we saw the watch in the pool and ended up dipping underwater. At first, we thought Div had something to do with it since he was closest to us in the pool. Then he accused Tails of taking it because he thought he saw the watch shoot up in the air. Then Tails insisted that it didn't shoot up in the air but sideways, and ended up hitting you. Now we think you have the watch." 

Charles gets furious. "Listen here, Captain Senseless. You and Gabe are the only grown ass men I know who would willingly spend several years straight fighting for a watch with a picture of some kiddie show character on it." 

Gabe gasps tragically, truly offended by Charles' ignorance. “Kiddie show character? It’s Pac-Man, iconic arcade character turned mascot for Namco! He’s all over my room and wardrobe! I even got a restraining order from him at E3! How do you not know who Pac-Man is?” 

Charles closes his eyes, crosses his arms smugly and replies, “If it can’t run on a Mac, then I don’t care about it.” 

Tycho crosses his arms and taps his foot impatiently. "Who has the watch then, Charles?"

"Not me," Charles affirms. "Because first of all, the watch was never thrown at me; it was lemonade that Fruit Fucker made. I don't even know why he would throw—wait a minute. That's it! He must have thrown the lemonade at me because it gave him the chance to snatch the watch and run away with it without anyone seeing!" 

"That makes sense," Tycho considers. "You know what means. Back to the house! All five of us!"

"No can do," Charles shakes his head. "Unlike you guys, I have an actual _job_ to attend to in less than six hours from now. You know, one that involves actual _working,_ not twisting joysticks, pressing buttons and trying so desperately to not look like complete fagtrons while doing it. Therefore, I'm going to need you all to leave my house. You can continue your little spy squad show on your own, ‘kay?"

Tycho's voice adopts a maniacal tone. "You won't be able to get to work if I so happen to..." He jumps out the window. Everyone else follows, Charles running the fastest.

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" Charles worries.

Tycho whips out a large switchblade from his pocket, hellishly stomps to Charles' car and prepares to slash one of his tires with it. Charles shrieks, "Not my tires! Please! Don't you know that they're custom made for my custom made smart car with a custom-made Apple branded GPS slash Mac OS hybrid and cost me over a thousand dollars each?"

"Are you going to join us or not?" Tycho brings the switchblade dangerously close to the tire. 

"Fine! I’ll join you." Charles surrenders.

"Let's go home." Tycho leads their walk back to the house.

“I can’t believe it. The house TV… it’s gone. All because of some stupid watch.” Div laments.

“Also, my jacuzzi,” Tails adds. “Gone for the same stupid reason!” 

“Wait a minute,” Charles realizes. “Your possessions were unnecessarily destroyed in pursuit of some gaudy piece of metal by the second biggest failure of a human being on earth?” He angrily narrows his gaze to Tycho.

"Yeah, he's just--wait, second biggest failure? Who's the first?"

“Enough!” Tycho chides. “First and foremost, the television and jacuzzi weren’t just theirs; they were for everybody. Secondly, I had told you before to not talk on the job!"

“Job?” Div laughs. “You’d better be compensating us, then.” 

“I will,” Tycho promises. “With breakfast at Waffle House.”

Div gets fed up with being offered food instead of money. "That is the--"

"Best way to compensate us ever!" Gabe gleefully interrupts as he covers Div's mouth. "You can't go wrong with their waffles."

"Good. Now silence!" They arrive at the house and Tycho unlocks the front door. "Fruit Fucker! Get down here!" he screams.

Fruit Fucker descends from the stairs, wearing _something special_ on his wrist. "Hey! What's up?" he greets cheerfully.

Tycho's eyes freakishly widen and twitch at the revelation. "Is that... the watch... cut in _HALF?_ " He violently hyperventilates into a panic attack as he drops to the floor on his knees. 

Gabe is the only one who expresses concern for Tycho, the rest of them now jaded by his continuous theatrical behaviour. "There, there, Captain Sensual," Gabe comforts as he pats Tycho on the back. “Do you want a Xanax? My iTunes gift card? ...A handjob?”

Tycho pushes Gabe away from him and starts crying. "Fruit Fucker, why was the watch cut in half?"

"You mean this thing?" Fruit Fucker flings his arm with the watch. "Thomas and I found it on the ground during yesterday's pool party. What's so special about it?" 

"What do you mean you 'found it?'" Gabe scolds. “How do you not know about the watch?"

"Well, no one's ever told me about it," Fruit Fucker innocently responds. "Thomas went racing after it, which then got me excited, but then we started fighting over it, so eventually we decided to cut the watch in half. But now it appears as if you all were looking for this watch too, yes?."

“Nope, it was only Captain More Money Than Sense and his trusty sidekick, Misinformation Man,” Div mocks. “The rest of us were successfully extorted into helping them.” 

“I didn’t do any extorting. That was all Captain Sensual,” Gabe clarifies. “Which resulted in the broken cable box and jacuzzi filter, in case you hadn’t noticed yet.”

Charles adds, “Don’t forget that he also threatened to slash the custom made tires on my custom made smart car with a custom-made Apple branded GPS slash--” until Tycho slaps him to shut him up. 

"Geez," Fruit Fucker sympathizes. "Now I feel bad for keeping this. How about I cut it in half again for you and Tycho to keep?"

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Gabe replies. "I mean, it's already fucked up." 

"And then we can all go to Waffle House for breakfast!" Fruit Fucker exclaimed.

"You read my mind!" Gabe and Fruit Fucker high five. "You know, you're surprisingly friendly for a rapist."

They go to Waffle House. Tycho is back in his normal clothes and refuses to eat because he is still devastated over the watch cut into pieces. He stares at his piece in his palm and tries to resist crying even more.

"Come on, Captain Sensual," Gabe rubs Tycho's shoulder. "You need to cheer up. At least we have several carats of gold with these watch pieces! Now can you eat? Please, Captain Sensual?" 

"Just call me Tycho," he replies solemnly. "To have only a fragment of the ever gorgeous time-telling device means absolutely nothing to me." He dramatically slams his head on the table. 

Div rolls his eyes. "Don't give any more of your time to the little boy who cried histrionics." He eats more of his breakfast. "You're right, Gabe. These waffles are to die for!"

"You said it," Charles adds. "So worth missing work today."

Gabe scoffs, "You're one to talk. You asked for the waffles sans normal people ingredients! Silly little vegan."

Fruit Fucker “haves his way” with an apple and then consumes an entire glass of the juice he made from it. The apple is cored as if eaten. "Ahhh," he sighs in pleasure. "They don't describe some asses as round as an apple for no reason." He then gets up from his seat. "Well, it's time for me to get going."

"Where you heading?" Gabe asks with a mouthful of waffle, spitting out some of it as he speaks.

"Home. I'm a fruitarian, so there’s only so much for me to, you know, ‘embrace’ here. See ya." Fruit Fucker exits the restaurant. Gabe, Div, Tails, and Charles continue eating, but Tycho has officially fallen asleep. He then drops to the floor. 

Gabe attempts to pick him up until he is stopped by Div when he says, "What did I say? Leave Mentally Tychotic alone."

As Fruit Fucker goes outside, he laughs as he opens up his backdoor compartment and pulls out the real watch. “Suckers!” He puts it on his wrist and smugly saunters back to the house.

**Author's Note:**

> I desperately wish for PA to bring back Div. He's my favorite character. You don't just create a talking media player and then forget about it. Maybe his return would make the comic bearable again.


End file.
